Cathy and the Gundanium Mountain
by Threshie
Summary: My GW parody of the fairytale, 'Boots and the Glass Mountain', following my gag of replacing the princess with a Gundam pilot and switching the story around so it's not yaoi. Enjoy!


**Cathy and the Gundanium Mountain**                    Started: 4/8/2003 Finished: 4/9/2003

Mallory/Threshie ^^V

There was once a farmer with a daughter and a son. This farmer (who had a part-time job as circus ringleader, but that's in a different storyline) grew tea leaves so flavorful and delicious that the king, himself, bought out approximately half of the harvest each year. Now, the farmer/ringleader took his son, Trowa, out with him to the fields to harvest the huge amount of tea they had to grow to support the family for the rest of the year every Midsummer's Day. This was mostly because the king liked the tea leaves so much that he often overpaid them, and they certainly weren't complaining! 

One Midsummer Day (well, 'Morning', actually, but eh…), the farmer and Trowa went out to the fields to harvest the tea as usual--except that the tea was gone! 

"Now who could steal all of that tea overnight?" The farmer fumed, while Trowa shrugged to himself--he'd never really cared much for tea, anyway--and said that they should go back home since there was no reason to stay out in the hot fields all day. 

The next year, the exact same thing happened:

"Now who could steal all of that tea overnight?" The farmer fumed, while Trowa shrugged to himself--he still didn't care much for tea, anyway--and said that they should go back home since there was once again no reason to stay out in the hot fields all day. 

Now, the next year the farmer thought ahead. On Midsummer's Eve, he took Trowa down to the big red barn that was built right beside the tea fields. "Stay here tonight and watch the tea to make sure nobody steals it again," he ordered the boy, who shrugged and sat down on a bale of hay, instantly bored of the chore before it even started. The farmer then left to sleep in his comfortable bed at the house while his son had to sit up all night on uncomfortable, pokey straw bales. And he didn't feel a hint of remorse, either. 

Anyway, Trowa sat there for a few hours--since he had nothing to do, and since he was _extremely_ bored, he first sang to himself in an extremely high yet very good opera voice for awhile. Then, when that got boring (and his voice broke, no less), he decided to perfect his crying on command--it was his last resort when begging, pleading, repeated bowing and whining didn't work. No one could resist those big, green, tear-filled eyes, right? And so, Trowa worked himself into a fit of tears and practiced his crying on command. This took a lot of concentration. In fact, it took so much concentration that he didn't notice when the earth (or colony--you pick) started shaking. It was an earth/colonyquake! 

When the earth (colony?) stopped shaking, Trowa had a mind to go outside and see what had caused it to start shaking in the first place. However, his eyes were stilled blurred with tears, and so he changed his mind and went to bed instead. After all, if he practiced his crying on command and then didn't sleep, his eyes would be all red and puffy in the morning and his father and sister would think he was crying because he was scared of the dark. And he'd gotten over that fear way back when he was fourteen--a whole _year_ ago--, so he didn't want them thinking that! This decided, Trowa curled up on a bale of hay (it was softer than straw) and promptly went to sleep. 

The next morning, the farmer/ringleader came down to the barn to see if Trowa had stopped the thief. To his horror, the tea was all gone again. "Trowaaaa! Get out here and explain why the thief got away with this!" 

Coming out of the barn and picking bits of hay from his hair, Trowa answered nonchalantly, "I didn't see anything." 

"Well, _something_ must have stolen that tea!" The farmer growled, thoroughly frustrated with losing his tea for the third year in a row--he'd been hoping the old 'three times a charm' thing would pay off and he would catch the thief this time. 

"Yeah, guess so," Trowa said, bored with the idea of the tea. Why was everyone so tea-obsessed, anyway? 

Seeing as Trowa obviously was not a good Teawatcher, his elder sister, Catherine, was assigned the task next year. 

"Now, sit here," the farmer indicated the big, red barn, "And watch the tea so that thief doesn't get it!" 

"Okay, Dad," Cathy answered, pulling out a set of serrated, stainless steel steak knives (she was rather fond of knife-throwing, and considered being a target one of the few things Trowa wasn't completely boring at) and grinning. The thief would be sorry they crossed Catherine Bloom! The girl settled herself onto a soft bale of hay near the door, and practiced throwing her knives into a nearby wall to pass the time. After hours of doing this, at just about midnight, the earth/colony (land?) began to shake. 

Deciding she could stand it as long as the barn didn't collapse, the girl continued throwing knives at the wall. However, the shaking increased after a moment, and when one of her knives buried itself with a solid 'thunk!' a full eighth of an inch away from her target spot, that was the last straw. Annoyed at her aim being thrown off by the shaking, Cathy tore her last thrown knife out of the wall and stomped outside to see what was going on. As soon as she opened the door, the shaking stopped, and everything was silent. 

Outside, amidst the tea, which was fully grown and ready for a harvest, stood a lion! Even stranger, the big cat had on a saddle and bridle, and a skimpy, form-fitting copper dress/tunic with a tiny, classic anime-style identity-hiding mask were on its back. Also, much to Cathy's chagrin, the beast appeared to be off its rocker--it was eating the tea, despite being a carnivore! Deciding to stop it from maiming the poor, defenseless crops, the girl rushed over to the lion's side and held the steak knife up threateningly. 

"Get your teeth outta that tea, you thieving feline!" The lion seemed rather irritated at the interruption. No, make that very irritated. Oh, we'll just say it: it was miffed. In fact, it was so miffed that it charged straight at Cathy! Having no choice, the girl threw her knife at it. The cat was somehow so fast, though, that it dodged the blade--but as soon as the steel (stainless works as well as the original type, ne?) passed by it, it immediately calmed and stopped charging. In fact, it began to purr! 

Shrugging, Cathy muttered, "Well, I'm not complaining…" Coming over to the lion's side, she patted its head and found that it was perfectly tame and docile. Deciding this was a good thing--the skimpy piece of tunic armor looked her size!--, she took the tunic off of the saddle and put it on. As she'd thought, it fit her perfectly--someone must have planned it or something! (Or maybe it was magic. Hmmm…) 

Pretty certain that the lion was the thief that had been stealing the tea, Cathy climbed into the saddle on its back and rode around the rest of the night, enjoying her victory over the thief. And, seeing as her father would sell the tunic-armor if he knew about it because he always needed money, she decided not to tell anyone about it. It was her little secret! 

The next morning, the farmer/ringleader (we can't decide which one he is long-term--he's a dedicated ringleader in one story and a dedicated farmer in the other!) came out to the big, red barn to see how Cathy had fared at catching the thief. Much to his surprise and relief, the field was filled with fully-grown, softly waving tea plants. A bit unnerved at the fact that the tea was waving at him (he'd never heard of wind), the man peeked into the barn and saw Cathy dozing on the bale of hay nearest the door. 

"So, what happened? Did you catch the thief?" He asked after shaking her awake. 

"Nah," the girl yawned, standing and heading for the door, "I didn't see anything. Maybe they got sick of tea." 

"Nobody gets sick of tea," the farmer muttered, following her. But he wasn't really complaining--he was extremely relieved that he had his tea crop to sell to the king this year. They had had to lean on his part-time circus job during the last three years to pay for their food, and they had become very poor and ragged. Cathy took a nap when they got back to the house, as she had stayed up all night the night before.

The next Midsummer's Eve, the farmer was so happy with Cathy for saving the tea last time that he rewarded her--with another long night staying out in the barn and watching the field. This time, Cathy waited a little more enthusiastically for midnight to come, as she knew that if some animal came, they would have another fancy tunic-armor piece she could wear, along with one of those handy identity-hiding-anime-style-eye-masks. She rode through town one day on her lion, whom she had since named Butterfinger, while wearing her first found armor, and even Trowa hadn't recognized her when he'd seen her. Worked like a charm!

At midnight, the earth/colony began to shake. Cathy smiled grimly to herself, clutching her lucky stainless steel steak knife (the same one she'd used on Butterfinger that first Midsummer's night) and waiting. The shaking got worse, and she crept to the door. Again, just as the door opened, silence fell. Glancing around the field, Cathy quickly spotted the new thief--an enormous tiger with a matched set of silver tunic-armor and identity-hiding-anime-style-eye-mask on its back. 

Deciding that she wanted the new armor (and the tiger didn't hurt--she kept her lion in a secret circus bunker in the woods that only she knew about, and he proved to be better company than her dad and Trowa put together), the girl took action. Flinging the steak knife over the Tiger's head before it had time to blink, Catchy easily made it tame as a kitten. Happily, she put on the tunic-armor and the indentity-hiding-anime-style-eye-mask and rode all over the field and the town that night, certain that no other thieves would come for the tea. 

The next morning, as before, the farmer/ringleader came out to the barn to see how Cathy had done at scaring the thief away--and just as before, she sleepily said she didn't see anything and went back to the house to take a nap. The next year, things happened in a very similar fashion: the farmer sent Cathy to watch the tea, Cathy waited until the shaking started and stopped and went outside to find an enormous brown bear with a gold tunic-armor piece and identity-hiding-anime-style-eye-mask thingy, and she tamed it as well, naming it Coffee and taking it to live with her two other beast mounts, Butterfinger the lion and the tiger whom she had named Crackerjack. 

Now, after acquiring Coffee Cathy began to think that the year was going pretty well. Her father was happy because the king had his tea, and so the king was happy, too. Little did she know that the king, despite having his cherished portion of tea, was _not_ happy. His only son and heir to the Winner kingdom, Prince Quatre, refused to choose a bride. Every single one he was introduced to, he politely declined the suggestion that he marry her. Finally, his father lost his temper with this problem and went to his dear old chum, Dr. J (he was really a troll, not a doctor, but tell that to stubborn King Winner) for help. 

Now, Dr. J was a wily old thing who had a mind to steal the kingdom for himself. To do so, he decided, he needed to get rid of Prince Quatre. If the boy was gone, after all, there would be no heir, and he was sure that his _good_ _old friend_ King Winner would name him the owner to the kingdom in his will if the king died before his time. Thus, with this twisted idea in his head, Dr. J made King Winner a magnificent mountain that was made entirely of the rare and super-hard metal, Gundanium. 

When King Winner asked how the mountain could help him peacefully (he was a pacifist) marry Quatre off, Dr. J explained that the mountain was the key to a peaceful tournament. Quatre would sit at the top of the mountain and hold three golden teacups, representing the Winner kingdom's love of tea. All who wished to marry the prince and become the next queen of the Winner kingdom must come to this tournament. Whoever could manage to climb the steep and solid Gundanium mountain and retrieve all three of the golden teacups from Prince Quatre would be married to him and the become the next queen.

King Winner liked this idea, and so he declared the tournament to be a three-day affair and it began the very next day. Dr. J grinned crookedly to himself when he retreated home that day, positive that his hired hitmen (whom he had dressed in drag for this occasion) would make it to the top of the Gundanium mountain before anyone else and push Prince Quatre over the edge. 

The farmer/ringleader was so transfixed with the idea of watching a bunch of girls try to climb a mountain made of Gundanium (he'd always secretly believed that men were more adept at doing anything and thus came to laugh at their failed efforts) that he ditched his circus job on Trowa, who shrugged and pretended he didn't hear him say so, and went to watch the women try their luck. Thus, Trowa followed the farmer/ringleader to the tournament and ignored the direct order to stay home and do the circus jobs. 

This left Cathy, who was the responsible woman of the house, to do both of their chores (grumbling to herself all the while) before finally realizing that Prince Quatre was a cute blonde guy and deciding to try her luck at the tournament, too. 

That evening, the princesses and ladies (and Dr. J's crossdressed hitmen, who were probably failing mostly due to humiliation) had been trying to climb the Gundanium mountain all day, to no avail. The metal was too hard for their horses' hooves and had worn their horseshoes down to nothing, giving the horses no traction to climb the mountain at all. Not one girl could manage to climb up to the blonde bishounen sitting atop the mountain. The very bored, annoyed-looking blonde bishounen who was currently juggling the golden teacups like they were apples or something.

Suddenly, something caught his attention. A bright, copper-colored shine in the distance. Coming swiftly down the road, dressed only in a copper tunic-armor piece and a handy, indentity-hiding-anime-style-eye-mask thingy (and boots, of course), was a beautiful and mysterious girl. And besides all that stuff up there, she was also riding a lion! Wondering a bit uncomfortably if the lion was de-clawed, Prince Quatre watched anxiously as the mysterious girl rode a third of the way up the Gundanium mountain, her lion's nimble paws barely touching the hard, slippery surface. 

At the third-of-the-way point, though, the girl stopped. The lion's paws, now not leaping quickly from point to point, began to slip. The lion was on the verge of slipping down the mountain when Prince Quatre came out of the daze the sight of the beautiful and mysterious girl had put him in, tossing her one of the golden teacups. The girl caught it in the oddest way--holding up a steel steak knife, she caught the teacup by the handle. It spun several times around the blade before she turned the lion and sped away, disappearing before anyone could even ask her name. 

The next day, the princesses and ladies (and a bunch of rabid fangirls, _and_ Dr. J's poor hitmen, who were thinking of quitting their job and running away to Mexico for a few years) were even more desperate to get up the Gundanium mountain. The mysterious girl had already claimed one of the golden teacups, but if they acquired two than they had more teacups than her and thus would win the kawaii blonde bishounen! They tried for hours and hours on end, but their horses (fresh ones--the ones from the day before slept in late) still could not reach the top. Their horses' shoes wore down to nothing, and they couldn't make it up the Gundanium mountain more than a few feet before screeching back down like fingernails on a chalkboard. 

Finally, at the end of the day, they were all exhausted and could not force their horses near the mountain again--they had wisened up after their horseshoes were worn down. Prince Quatre was as bored as ever, wondering idly if and when the beautiful, mysterious girl would come to claim a second golden teacup. 

The sun had begun to set and he had just about decided the answer was 'no', when he saw a glint of silver on the horizon. Much to his astonishment, speeding toward the Gundanium mountain, wearing a silver tunic-armor piece and matching identity-hiding-anime-style-eye-mask thingy and mounted upon a tiger with a silver saddle was not the beautiful, mysterious girl from the night before, but…DUN DUN DUNNN!! _Another_ beautiful, mysterious girl! 

Stunned, Prince Quatre stared. The tiger had climbed two-thirds of the way up the Gundanium mountain, paused and even begun to slip before he finally tossed the second golden teacup to her, shaking himself out of his daze. This beautiful girl was a lot like the last one--she, too, caught the teacup by the handle on a steel steak knife, turned and rode away before anyone could ask her name. Prince Quatre smiled a little to himself, deciding that marrying one of the beautiful, mysterious anime girls wouldn't be too horrible. He wondered if a third would show up the last night of the tournament. 

The last day of the tournament, the princesses and ladies were dejected, for they knew that somewhere out there was more than half of the golden apples needed to win Prince Quatre as their husband. (Dr. J's hitmen had left, much to his frustration.) However, because they were prideful (and because some of them were completely insane and didn't mind breaking every bone in their bodies--think fangirls), they attempted to scale the Gundanium mountain anyway. Prince Quatre sighed to himself, watching them race halfway up the mountain, slide back down with a screech that sent shivers up his spine, and break every bone they could possibly possess. _This is a _peaceful_ tournament?_ He thought to himself, sweatdropping at the fact that his pacifist father would allow such a game to be held. 

By sunset, all of the ladies, even the insane ones and the ones who had broken every bone in their bodies, had to admit that there was no way they were climbing the mountain. Sitting dejectedly at the bottom of the mountain, they waited for a third beautiful, mysterious anime girl to appear. And appear she did! This girl wore a golden tunic-armor piece and identity-hiding-anime-style-eye-mask thingy, and she was mounted on an enormous brown bear! 

Again dazed at the sight of her, Prince Quatre didn't realize she was riding a bear until she had scaled the entire Gundanium mountain, the bear's skillet-sized paws slapping against the hard metal and helping it climb the mountain easily. There the girl stood at the top of the mountain, mounted upon her gigantic bear, which was taller than Prince Quatre by itself. Finally shaking off his daze at the girl's beauty, the blonde bishounen then stared in complete wide-eyed shock at the enormous bear and didn't say a word as the beautiful and mysterious anime girl plucked the final golden teacup from his hands with the blade of a very familiar steel steak  knife. 

Leaving Prince Quatre to stand there in shock, the girl turned and rode the bear down the Gundanium mountain, ready to leave as the other two had before. However, just as the sun had fully set, old Dr. J himself came out and climbed the back of the Gundanium mountain, which had stairs carved into it for Prince Quatre himself to ascend. Speaking of Prince Quatre, the old troll was about to shove the still-stunned boy off of the edge of the mountain when the beautiful and mysterious anime girl sent her steel steak knife sailing high into the air above them. It caught the last rays of sunlight and shone them down on the prince and the troll, and as trolls are bound to do in sunlight, Dr. J instantly turned to stone. 

Satisfied, the lovely and mysterious anime girl then turned and rode her bear off into a gorgeous sunset that would have made a western movie teary-eyed with pride. 

The next morning, King Winner summoned every single lady and princess in his kingdom to see if any of them held a golden teacup. Trowa and the farmer/ringleader (I can't decide!) went to watch the fangirls weep at the loss of their beloved blonde bishounen, while Cathy stayed home and did their circus chores once again because they were so irresponsible that they had simply left them unattended. Thus, the king thought that every girl was there, but none had any of the golden teacups. 

"Summon every woman in the kingdom!" He ordered, frustrated that the tournament could possibly fail at marrying his son off. And he was still frustrated that his old chum, Dr. J, had tried to murder his son and been turned into an ugly statue in the same stroke. The king's order to summon every woman in the kingdom passed--but Cathy was away caring for Butterfinger, Crackerjack and Coffee when the men came to her house, and so they didn't know she lived there. 

Finally, King Winner sighed in exasperation after every woman he could find had been questioned about the golden teacups and their whereabouts. "You mean to tell me that there is absolutely _no other women_ in the kingdom who could have a golden teacup?" The man asked plaintively. 

"Your Highness," Trowa spoke up in a rather bored manner--as always. 

"Yes, Boy Who Stole My Bangs?" The king asked, raising an eyebrow. Trowa sweatdropped. There was yet another alias…Trowa, Triton, Nanashi, Boy Who Stole My Bangs…he couldn't keep track of them anymore. 

"My sister Cathy isn't here," Trowa shrugged, "She has about as much chance of having those golden teacups as the sky has of suddenly turning brown and the grass blue, but she is an eligible woman and she's not here." 

"Bring her at once!" King Winner ordered, sighing. A peasant girl--it wasn't likely that she had the teacups, but he had to check to make his search complete. In Cathy came in her usual battered kitchen dress, raising an eyebrow at being pulled away from her chores of feeding the circus animals. This had better have been important… "Do you, by any chance--any at all--, have any of the golden teacups the ladies at the tournament were to win?" King Winner asked, leaning forward on his throne. 

Cathy sighed, "You mean these?" Rummaging in her pocket for a moment, she pulled out all three of the precious golden teacups, holding them up for the king and court to see. 

"Y-Y-_yes_ I mean those!" The king stammered, shocked that this common peasant girl could possibly possess the treasures to win his son. Prince Quatre raised an eyebrow, then decided that the girl's hair looked familiar--wow, she actually _did_ look a lot like those beautiful, mysterious anime girls had… He smiled a little. So, her name was Cathy, then… 

"Well, yes, I have 'em," Cathy shrugged. Pulling off the battered old kitchen dress, she revealed herself to be wearing her golden tunic-armor piece and a pair of fine brown boots (which had, of course, been bought for the tournament). "And I guess I win Prince Quatre, don't I?" 

"That you do," the king sighed, deciding that marrying his son to a peasant wasn't so bad--as long as he _agreed_ to marrying her, it wasn't a problem. "Court and people of the Winner Kingdom, I give you your new queen!" And after that all of the people in the court, even her father and Trowa, who looked decidedly nonchalant about being the brother of the queen of the kingdom, bowed to her and the king and prince in respect. 

And Prince Quatre accepted the marriage, so that evening they were married happily in a festive event that lasted for a month and a day (wait a second, isn't that an oxymoronic sentence…? Oh, well. The festivities _started_ that evening). Cathy's father and brother came to the wedding, wishing her and her now-kingly blonde bishounen happiness in all of their years. And they lived happily ever after (though they had to add a new part of the castle for Cathy's lion and tiger and bear--oh, my). 

--Owari

AN: ^^ I like this one--I'm getting better at this, I think! Boy, Prince Quatre sure didn't seem very phased at the fact that Dr. J tried to kill him, did he? (Quatre: Eh, I'm royalty--assassination attempts happen all the time.) ^^;; Okay, then! There's your answer. 

I know this is considered an 'alt' pairing, but I can't stand pairing Cathy and Trowa--that's incest, I tell ya. If you don't believe me, read the Episode Zero manga--it clearly shows Cathy and Trowa as a brother and sister when their parents are killed and they are separated. *Coughs* Uhh, anywayz, this isn't supposed ta be serious! ^^;; 

By the way, I don't own Gundam Wing. Just making sure you know, even though it's fairly obvious since this writing is referred to as _fan_fiction for a reason. =P

I'd apologize for the odd humor, but I'm beginning to think that's what my humor style is. ^^;; Whoopsies... Boy I have an odd sense of humor… *Sweatdrop* Isn't it funny how people use expressions that refer to a male, like 'boy', 'man' or 'dude', but never a female? How many times have you heard someone exclaim, "Oh girl, that's weird!' ^^;; Okies, I'm shutting up now…

Please r&r--I think this may be my favorite of the fairytale parodies I've written so far! 

'Bye for now!

--Threshie ^^V


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